first kiss

hold on

In this wondrous digital age we are able to capture so many moments and expressions -but there are a few things we can't hang on to, no matter how we try. Here are a few I wish I could preserve somehow:

-the scent of my baby's scalp
-the warm wet feeling of baby barf dripping down my arm
-the shine of his eyes and his goofy morning smile in the half-light of the bedroom
-the blissful, pleasured look in his eyes when he nurses
-the sound of his sweet, deep baby sighs

What are some things you wish you could save but can't?

the smithsonian of my childhood

My mother is a saver, a pack-rat, and an archivist of my childhood. She has never met a knickknack or some bit of tchotchke that she didn't think deserved a place of honor in her home. In the bathroom, an old painted shadow box I made in grade school graces the shelf and childish drawings of snoopy encased in frames adorn the walls. Nearly every last kitschy gift she has received over the years is displayed somewhere. Her home is large enough that it doesn't appear too overwhelmingly cluttered, but such habits would never suit me.

As something of an odd aside, my mother was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Thankfully, it is of the slower growing variety and it does not appear to have invaded her lymph nodes, nor does she carry the scary cancer gene that would doom both me and my sister. In other words, for being something so bad, she's got it pretty good. She had the requisite lumpectomy as soon as she could and she seems to be healing quite quickly.

My father, on the other hand, couldn't be handling the situation worse than he is. When she broke the news to him of her cancer, the first words out of his mouth were "oh no! -I wanted to be the one to die first." He is selfish to the core, thinking only of himself as a widower and wasting not a minute to consider how terrified she must be to face such a scary disease -and almost scarier treatment. My mother was so disappointed. One afternoon shortly after the diagnosis, they sat outside enjoying the evening light and discussing where they would plant the locust tree they had long desired. My father, in a moment of utter unthinking, said something like: "well, it doesn't really matter since you're not gonna be around much longer anyways." My poor mother. She chatted me up that very afternoon on gmail and was in a sad and terrible rage. She told him later that he needed to change his attitude or move out. She was not going to be able to face down this disease with someone so horribly pessimistic at her back.

Anyhow -I bring all this up only to explain the following interchange: We sat over dinner during our visit and discussed my mother's health, all the while surrounded by the trinkets and plaques and plates and dishes and bells and baubles that my mother has collected over the years. My father gestured around hopelessly and exclaimed: "if she dies, what am I gonna do with all this stuff?? -Are you gonna come and help me deal with it, L?" I demurred, after boldly scolding him for yet another example of his bad attitude, and suggested that perhaps my sister might be better suited to the task (she being of an equally sentimental personality type). And honestly, I can't imagine facing the enormity of the task and I can't help but understand his worry. Hopefully we won't have to deal with "all this stuff" for a long, long time.

east of eden

Here we are in good old Minnesota. Yes, I know -the trip came up rather suddenly. After the cancellation of my MIL's visit, it was wisely suggested that it might be easier if we traveled east instead -that way we could see the entirety of our families sooner rather than later. M's grandmother is 93 years old and we've been anxious to bring X to see her before she passes away. She's in fabulous health for her age, but still...she can't hang on forever. Initially we'd planned for an early autumn visit, but at nearly 4 months, X is a robust, healthy, happy little guy so traveling with him seemed doable.

Thankfully, X's first airplane ride was a breeze. He nursed or slept nearly the entire time, much to my relief. The giddy welcoming committee at the airport seemed to rather overwhelm him, but now that we are comfortably settled at my parents he seems as happy as he would at home. I, however, am exhausted. The time difference has really shuffled X's sleep schedule and we didn't get to bed last night until nearly 2am -it was well after midnight and there he was -gleefully giggling and squawking and squealing and seeming ever-so far from sleep. Good lord. Hopefully over the next 8 days he will adjust to a more reasonable waking period -for my sake!

baby mine

portland pride

bubbler

h1n1

M's sister and mother were due to arrive last night for a visit, but they canceled their trip at the very last minute. It turns out M's sister may have the swine flu -and if not the swine flu, she clearly has some sort of serious flu strain. The most horrible symptoms only came on just before they were scheduled to depart. We are all thanking our lucky stars that she realized the severity of her illness before she arrived to cuddle and kiss her sweet new nephew! I shudder to think of what horror might have been mine had my wee babe contracted the flu! He's a hardy, healthy, chubby little thing, but vulnerable nonetheless. Thank god(dess) we dodged that bullet.

hi ho hi ho

...it's back to work I go. Today was my first official day of work, having exhausted my meager legally allotted Family Medical Leave time. Thankfully, I work for a very small company whose top management is comprised of M, my good friend B and me -the business owner works in Seattle. Years ago, when B went on her maternity leave, I took over her full time job. She returned to work only part time and I've accommodated her changing child care schedule these many years. Her youngest child starts kindergarten this coming fall so the timing is perfect. She plans to return to her full time status while my role diminishes commensurate. All of our work systems are online, so there is nothing to stop me from simply working from home until X is of a more child-care appropriate age.

The trick is going to be figuring out when and how I am going to get anything done with a baby on my hands. I have been anxious that I would be plagued by feelings of guilt whatever I do -i.e. I will feel guilty when I am working and ignoring X, and I will feel guilty when I am playing with X and ignoring my job. I try to tell myself that it is good for a kid to be able to entertain himself some of the time, so long as his basic needs are met and that when he desires attention, attention is paid him.

The first day was blessedly easy as X took an ungodly long nap (3 hours) and laid long abed in the morning. He played quietly and contentedly by himself on the activity mat for a while, giggling and kicking -permitting me to get a little bit done here and there. And he seemed to enjoy a few calm moments just relaxing in his swing. I am glad my first efforts were rewarded by his good behavior, lest I grow discouraged by a particularly difficult first day. Luckily I managed to get a load of work accomplished and logged almost half of my weekly part time hours.

I expect there will be more difficult days and weeks to come, especially as X grows more mobile and sleeps less during waking hours. M's step-mother has offered to assist me from time to time for which I am so grateful. Were I not dependent upon my job for my continueing health care coverage, I might be tempted to quit -but that is currently not an option. Besides, M and I would like to be able to save a little money and without my income that would be impossible. I will definitely need to re-examine my situation periodically to make certain it continues to work for me and my family. But meanwhile, X seems none the worse for my sometimes-distraction. At least it works for now.

where, oh where has my baby gone?

happy birthday, grandpa!