in the jungle, the mighty jungle

so far, so good

Is the nasty Tamiflu business working? -maybe X was never really all that ill, despite the exposure? -whatever it is, we seem to have dodged a bullet this time. He was extra sleepy & strange for a few days, but seems to have rallied & is now back to behaving like his old self. Nevertheless, we are hunkering down at home & avoiding the world for a few more days, just in case. I would not want to wish this kind of anxiety on any of my friends.

One nice side effect of this whole worrisome ordeal is that I am ever more certain of my choice to opt for the vaccine as soon as it becomes available. No more wishy-washy vacillating for me. I will be the first one in line. Nothing like a little panic to help put the priorities in order...

the cure vs. the disease

Here's a parenting topic in which I lack confidence & will no doubt respond somewhat defensively when questioned on my choices: vaccines. Should you accept or reject them? (we have given most of them, excepting Rotavirus since X is not in daycare) -Should you adopt a modified or delayed schedule? (we modify and try to give as few at a time as possible) -Are they harmful or effective? (I am going to bet on effective, seeing as horrible diseases like Polio & Diphtheria have been nearly eradicated)...

The truth is, I don't feel like I can get a straight answer anywhere. There are so many loud & obnoxious voices on both extremes, the even-keeled moderate ones seem to get lost in the middle somewhere. When considering vaccines for my baby, I feel like I am always choosing between several horrible ways in which my baby could potentially die. On the one hand, he could have seizures & become a brain-damaged vegetable & die from complications"(what the hell are "complications" anyhow?). On the the other hand, his lungs could fill with fluid such that he could no longer breathe & he could cough himself to death. Hmmmm. Tough choice. So, which death seems less protracted & uncomfortable? -because I'll take that one, please?!

A few weeks ago I jotted something on my Facebook account regarding the Prevnar vaccine we were scheduled to give to X that afternoon. Moments after I posted, I noted a new email in my inbox. A friend (actually, a friend of a friend -someone who I have never met in person, in fact) had sent a long, detailed private message about how dangerous Prevnar is and how it doesn't even work and how all the doctors that shill for it are on the payroll at Merck, etc., etc. I didn't respond --mostly because I didn't know how. I am not about to defend the makers of Prevnar -I'm sure there is some pretty shady shit going on there (it's a massive, lucrative drug company, after all). I just know that we sure as hell don't want X to get Pneumococcal Pneumonia, so we get the vaccine. End of story. Maybe her claims had merit, but I was not about to alter my plans for the afternoon on account of a rambling, impassioned diatribe written by a perfect stranger. It seemed somewhat odd to me that she spent the time & energy to engage me on the topic -- she was probably very worried about X. But I am too! -I worry about the disease & I worry about the cure, and I feel good about neither. It usually just comes down to what worries me more, and in this case the disease does.

We've been on the fence for a while regarding the H1N1 vaccine -should we get it? - should we skip it? -maybe just M should get it, since he's out and about more? -maybe we should just hide out at home and hope for the best? -We've gone round & round. We finally decided to get it ourselves & give it to X. We've heard of babies on pill hill hooked up to respirators. We've managed to shelter X from anything jarring & traumatic for all these months, it would be terrible to fuck that up now with a lengthy illness. And since X is still exclusively breastfed (yes, weirdly enough he refuses to eat anything but me at almost 8 months -a topic for another post) I have been particularly concerned that a major respiratory ailment could disrupt that dear relationship, not to mention make physically eating nearly impossible. So, it is now just a waiting game until OHSU gets the vaccine in stock.

But now it turns out that we might be too late. My neighbor has been exhibiting "flu-like symptoms" today and yesterday & we spent nearly the entire day with her on Tuesday. X slept like a champ last night (I grew suspicious immediately!), was awake for an hour today and wanted to go back to sleep. After his morning nap, again he was ready for sleep a mere hour or two later. His nose was runny, & he was weepy, withdrawn, glassy-eyed & weird all day. Something is clearly going on. I called the doctor who prescribed a prophylactic daily dose of Tamiflu. I was told to watch him and if he stops eating or grow so lethargic that he stops interacting at all I should rush him to the hospital. Great.

So, I've spent the night near tears & hunched over this computer, googling things like "tamiflu infant safe" and "h1n1 infant symptoms" and "flu infant complications" and generally feeling completely freaked out. I can only hope Tamiflu is safe. I have no idea if he is really coming down with flu or not, but I don't feel comfortable taking chances. I feel 100% uncertain that I am making the right choices about this. It is an awful way to feel.

So, to the girl who knows-it-all re: Prevnar & all those terrible vaccines: what would you do? -it must be nice to feel so sure of yourself. I wish I did.

strange fruit

to judge & be judged

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crafternoon

Well, I did it -I left my beloved infant in the care of another for an entire afternoon. Three magical hours of baby-free living were mine, at long last, and neither of us were the worse for it. The lovely JB (of bettycrockerass fame) hosted an afternoon (or, as she called it, a "crafternoon") of crafting for a bunch of friends and it seemed like the perfect first outing for an overly-attached mama --much better than an unnecessary solo jaunt to the grocery store & far more distracting & fun.

X was full of milk but exhausted when I left (ah, the wonderful refusal to nap), so I figured there was a chance M might have some trouble with him. But despite a few touch-and-go moments ("I had to be completely up his ass," was M's way of putting it), it sounds like he was a real champ (X, I mean -although M held together fine as well:). M called me halfway through to let me know that he was jogging with the babe and that X had just drifted off to sleep and that I should take my time and not hurry home. I imagined M, panting & sweaty, running for hours and hours to keep the kid from waking up.

I worked on a new crocheted cap for my little guy and despite a few leaky moments (of course we were talking about our kids!), I held up fine -no panic attacks, no frantic phone calls. I can't wait for the next crafternoon (November, please!).

pumpkin patch

Today we took the requisite autumn trip to the Sauvie Island pumpkin patch. It wasn't just any ol' pumpkin patch, either -- it was The Pumpkin Patch, a one-stop shopping mecca for all-things fall related. Pumpkins, corn maze, petting zoo, caramel apples, elephant ears, scarecrows --you name it.

X was near nap time (oh, sacred nap time -how dare we violate your hallowed constraints!?) so we didn't stay long -just long enough to grab two, medium sized pumkins. K & V accompanied us and scored a much larger fruit (35 lbs!). We used it to get the photo below:

leaves are falling just like embers, in colors red & gold they set us on fire

crochet addiction

There are so many worse habits to have, I should be thankful that mine most often take the form of something crafty. Most recently it is crocheting. My neighbor (master of all things crafty) taught me how and in a matter of hours I had whipped out this little gem for X. It is actually a pretty crappy cap. My second one was much better, but I haven't found time to photograph it yet. Now I find myself asking for the head measurements of all my friend's kids so I can make caps for all of them. They should make for great holiday gifts!...so long as I don't tire of making them before the holidays even arrive...

mighty columbia

sleeping beauty

guitar lessons

the sun's coming out-- i just know something good is gonna happen -- i don't know when --but just saying it could even make it happen

Today was one of my favorite days yet -- and for no special reason. I just could not help but enjoy a blessed sense of heady good cheer. Maybe it was the happy-sad, slanting light of autumn, or the crunch & crackle of leaves underfoot -whatever it was, the day was absolutely perfect.

It started with a delightful breakfast of locally sourced edibles with M's dad at "Farm to Fork" in Dundee. After which we wandered over the red hills to Erath Winery where we picked up an old forgotten wine shipment, long since paid for, from the summer of 2008 (as I recall, I had other things on my mind at that time). We enjoyed a few sips of some crisp, delicious white wines and then said goodbye to M's father and headed on a whim to Champoeg State park for a little exploring.

We've visited this park in the past, but were never much impressed. It seemed small & the trails were scarce. This time, however, we decided to meander down a long bike trail that flanked the Willamette River. There were few folks out despite the glorious weather, so we had the trail mostly to ourselves. I carried X until he fell asleep & then was able to miraculously off-load him into the stroller where he reclined in slumber for the duration of our 8 mile hike (amazing!). What made the bike trail so special, aside from the lazy river & magnificent fall foliage, is that it led directly to the historic Butteville General Store, the state's oldest continually operated retail establishment. There were tables outside in the sunshine and we ordered a sandwich to share. M bought a bottle Bridgeport ESB for the road and we meandered back along the trail to the park, trading nips on the bottle hidden safely (and tastefully) in a paper bag. (X making himself comfortable for the long ride)
(a little wildlife on the trail)
We packed up at the close of the afternoon and as we rolled through the countryside towards town, we spied a farm stand where we stopped to purchase all manner of cheap, organic, local produce: a stalk of brussel spouts for $1. 6 ears of corn for $1. A sweet little pie pumpkin for $.35.

Our purchases secured, we headed back to Portland & to Rogue Public House where we managed a meet-up with good friends T&S on the spur of the moment for some sandwiches & fresh hop beer (the best thing about autumn in Portland).
(X samples the menu at Rogue)

See - nothing all that special, really --just your average lazy, wonderful, sunny, autumn day in the amazing Pacific Northwest.

elderberry inn & bloom lake

(X enjoys his first visit to an old school diner - I love that they brought him Saltines to munch on-- he really dug the plastic wrapper)

We headed out bright & early to visit our new property, but we stopped first at the ol' Elderberry Inn on Highway 26 to give the local greasy spoon a try. It is only a stone's throw from the exit to our new little piece of paradise, so we had to see what it was all about. Musty paneling, dingy brass light fixtures, cheesy paintings of eagles, teal carpeting -- the place looks like it was pimped out sometime during the first Reagan administration and then ever updated again. It's pretty awesome, except the eats left something to be desired.

We stopped by the property after breakfast and took some measurements. We are looking at installing a septic system in the near term, and we need to sort out where we need to have our holes dug for the county's analysis. It turns out we're near a geo-hazard zone (we knew this before the purchase -the entirety of Clatsop County is a geo-hazard zone -- landslides being the particular hazard of this area of the country) so we need to subject the parcel to a a geologic survey before we can begin building. Yes, I said building. We would like to begin hammering up some sort of structure as soon as time & money permits. Details will be forthcoming...and maybe not for a few years, depending on our resources...

Anyhow -- we decided to explore a little of the Clatsop County coast range while we were in the area. Clatsop County, unlike others of the Pacific Northwest, has really invested precious little in campgrounds, trails & other forms of outdoor recreation. It's like it hasn't quite occurred to them that the forest isn't just a big, lucrative tree farm and that people will actually pay to enjoy the beauty of the forests and mountains. Needless to say, there are very few maintained trails. We took one such trail to Bloom Lake. While the "lake" was somewhat underwhelming, we passed through some amazing alder forests. Coming from Minnesota, the so-called "Land of 10,000 Lakes" it takes a little bit more than a dank, mossy pond to inspire oohs & ahhs. But the forests were lovely & it was nice to feel like we were exploring our new backyard.
("You call this a lake?!")

photo shoot

My friend E is a fabulous photographer and just happens to have an awesome set-up in her basement -camera, lights, backdrop -the works. We've been meaning to get together for a long while to take pics of both our babes -- hers is a mere 2 weeks younger than X. E & I met at a La Leche League meeting the month before our kiddos arrived, which makes S -E's daughter -X's oldest little friend!. Anyhow, we finally found some time on Friday afternoon and these are just a couple of my favorites.

7 months

Happy 7 months, X. I love you more than you will probably ever know -or at least not until you have a baby of your own one day (and maybe not even then since I am a mother and that is just so different from being a father --not more or better, just different). There is no love on earth like this love I have for you. I can't imagine living my entire life without ever knowing your sweet, silly smile. And how strange & stupid that I was so close to doing just that!

arboretum

How is it that I have passed 7 years here in Portland and yet I had never wandered through the amazing Hoyt Arboretum until this afternoon? What a fabulous place! The crisp, clean scent of the redwood grove! -dark, dank trails weaving between fir and larch! -the magnolia knoll! -the winter garden! -We could have gotten lost for hours (and might have, had we not brought along a detailed trail map -that place is a maze!).

unconditional parenting

I haven't stayed up late with a page-turner in a long time, and I never in a million years thought that a parenting book would qualify. But, surprise, surprise! -Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting is just that. It is a really wonderful & revolutionary book.

Unfortunately, I don't have the time nor energy to render a complete review at the moment -but I found this review sums it up rather nicely:
http://scottneigh.blogspot.com/2006/07/review-unconditional-parenting.html

The move away from a power-over relationship between parent and child and towards one that is more cooperative is inherently in line with my general value system. Kohn's model encourages a mindfulness that I appreciate & aspire towards in other aspects of my life -I love that I can apply that to parenting as well. Reading this book, I am encouraged to think of my child as a whole human being and less as an annoying little person sapping up my free time & irritating me.

Of course, upon reading it I immediately recommended it to several of my dearest mom-friends -especially those with whom I feel I share other parenting values. I was unprepared for the weird push-back that I got from several friends. I felt a strange defensiveness from a number of folks, as though by recommending the book I was passing judgment on the current choices they are making. This couldn't be further from the truth. I recommended the book because I thought it was amazingly & mind-blowingly fresh & new and I wanted them to experience that same sense of "aha!" that I had when reading it. I hoped that they could take from it the sense of encouragement and hope that I had.

a spoonful of sugar

It's amazing what a kid can get used to. The first couple days whenever we had to give X his medicine he would scream & holler & thrash his head around in irate objection --you would think we were burning him with cigarettes or something. But now, a few days into the routine, and he's holding the dropper himself and opening up to say "ah" and invite the next bite. What a weird little kid.

He looks so forlorn and sorta sad & sick here, doesn't he? -poor little guy.

more milk

My neighbor and her 17 month old son O were hanging out with us at our house. X loves to watch O toddle around (he's learned a few choice tidbits from O also, like how to screech -we're pretty stoked about that one:). X started fussing, so I pulled him into my lap to bust out the boob and nurse him. O leaned over the arm of the chair to watch. I signed "milk" to him and he signed it back. I asked him if he remembered when he used to nurse on his mama.

X stopped nursing for a moment, and I put away my bits and pieces. Suddenly, O started furiously signing "more" and "milk" over and over, obviously wanting a little more of the peep show. I nursed X some more while O watched and giggled and signed "milk." B, my neighbor, exclaimed in jest, "O! -that's not appropriate!"

I thought it was hilarious to see his obvious curiosity. And indeed, to an older child it must seem pretty silly.