cape horn at last!

"See, X! -I told you the views were amazing!"

It finally dried out enough to attempt the 7 miles of the Cape Horn trail (our last efforts were abandoned owing to the spring mud). I started the hike carrying X in the Ergo, figuring at some halfway point I would surrender my burden, but I wound up carrying him all the way --now that we have mastered the art of nursing-on-the-go, it is just easier if I keep him near me. We stopped a few times to rest, to change X's diaper, to nurse and cuddle and play. But for the most part we kept up a pretty steady clip. I was well worn by the time we reached the end, but it felt so good to have accomplished such a long and difficult hike.

memorial weekend at the carlton farm

After a gleeful day of wine-tasting (Lemelson and Archery Summit -two of the best in the valley), we stopped for the night at the in-laws new farm in Carlton where they were also hosting M's step-sisters for the weekend. Last month they moved out of the god-awful Edward Scissorhands neighborhood where they'd been living in Newberg & into a fantastic, 300 acre, 3 million dollar farm on the outskirts of Carlton. They are only renting (the place is for sale and they are praying it sits long on the market), but it is a wonderfully tranquil spot and we're certain to get lots of enjoyment out of the place during their tenure. Sunday morning we hiked up to a remote and rustic gazebo perched atop a hill to the rear of the cottage and looked out over a great oak savanna. It was a gorgeous, tranquil morning and we lingered long, chatting and enjoying our time together.

pins & needles

Yesterday X got his first round of vaccinations. I'm not sure who suffered more, him or me. He gasped in surprise when the needle entered, then let loose a tremendous wail. Poor kid. After the initial shock of the needle's prick, he calmed quickly at the breast. The site seemed to hurt him later in the evening though, as we massaged and bent his chubby leg to try to work the lump out of his muscle. Now M & I watch anxiously, hoping with the odds that X weathers it well without any terrifying side effects like seizures or a high fever. He has slept an ungodly amount since the shots (8 hours straight?!), and instead of enjoying the oh-so-rare me time, I am on pins & needles with anxiety. I can't believe we've got to go through this every few months for the first tender year of his life. I might not make it.

fish lips

Another lovely morning spent with J and D. D is the brightest, sweetest, most intense, intelligent little girl. Something in her eyes just shines and glimmers and you feel almost certain that something very quiet and special is lurking inside. And that comes as no surprise once you get to know her mama.

angel's rest

I cannot believe we had never experienced this hike before!? -so accessible! -so popular! -such amazing views! Needless to say, Angel's Rest now ranks up there among our nearby favorites. It is a tough 2.5 mile uphill slog, but the sweat and toil is well worth it once you scramble up that last bit onto the massive rocky outcropping and survey the entire gorge from east to west.

crazy portland

..the usual antics at the Alberta Art Hop

the name

When X woke up yesterday, alone and in fear, I was reminded of this poem by Swedish poet Tomas Transtromer (translated by Robert Bly -printed in Raymond Carver's A New Path to the Waterfall)

I got sleepy while driving and pulled in under a tree at the side of the road. Rolled up in the back seat and went to sleep. How long? Hours. Darkness had come.

All of a sudden I was awake, and didn't know who I was. I'm fully conscious, but that doesn't help. Where am I? WHO am I? I am something that has just woken up in a back seat, throwing itself around in a panic like a cat in a gunnysack. Who am I?

After a long while my life comes back to me. My name comes to me like an angel. Outside the castle walls there is a trumpet blast (as in the Leonora Overture) and the footsteps that will save me come quickly quickly down the long staircase. It's me coming! It's me!

But it is impossible to forget the fifteen-second battle in the hell of nothingness, a few feet from a major highway where the cars slip past with their lights on.

anatomy of a cry

X has a number of very specific cries that he employs depending on his needs. He has a short, ill-tempered hungry cry. It is loud and to the point and punctuated by sharp, guttural clicking sounds. His tired cry is a pitiful, vibrato squall and is easily identified by confirming various visual cues -crossed and angry eyes in particular signal utter exhaustion. He has a sad cry that nearly breaks my heart as his eyes fill with tears and he lets out a meandering, melodic, lamentable wail. And then there is the scared cry, heard last evening for the very first time.

X had fallen asleep in his vibro-swing in the late evening and we decided we'd watch a movie. M turned out the lights in the living room and we retired to the bedroom and settled in. I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to hear X should he awake, so we kept the volume on low. Suddenly, a few minutes into the film I hear a terrified howl from the next room. We both bolted in and M scooped him out of the swing to comfort him as he continued to panic -his voice a high and terrible keen. I promptly snatched him from M's hands (instinct trumping the politic at this point) and held him to my breast and cooed and shushed softly in his ear, letting him know it was okay and that we were sorry to have left him alone. My eyes filled with tears as I watched his little face contort in terror.

Once he was calmed, I mildly scolded M for turning out the lights. We figured he grew frightened when he woke up alone in a dark room for the very first time, his parents no where to be seen. I hope to hear less of the scared and sad cries in the years to come, but that is probably wishful thinking. Perhaps in time I will come to feel it less severely when X is sad or terrified -but more than likely those intensely empathetic emotions are just a part of being a mother. God save me!

mother's day

I cannot imagine any mother's day gift that could possibly be greater than the simple beauty of this sweet face.

chinese gardens

Today we visited Portland's Chinese Garden with some out-of-town visitors. It was a gloriously sunny day and the entire city was out in shorts and sandals. We wandered around the gardens for hours as we chatted with our friends T and G (some of our very favorite friends from Minneapolis) and took photographs. Here are a couple of my favorites...

breach of trust

I let X down today big-time. It all happened innocently enough. I was giving him his weekly bath, something he usually (but tentatively) enjoys. While I scrub him down he shivers and looks up at me with big, curious, anxious eyes. And all the while I am washing him I reassure him, "isn't this fun? -you remember this from last week? -can you feel the nice warm water?", etc. and I generally try to keep him calm and happy while he teeters on the verge of panic. At first he was giggling nervously as I rubbed down his legs and toes with the soapy water. It looked like he was actually having a genuinely good time for a change. I tested the water in the faucet to make sure it was nice and warm and prepared to turn the sprayer on his head in order to wash his hair. I calmly reminded him that this part sort of scares him but that he should trust me. And then it happened. Foolishly, I sprayed his hair before emptying the sprayer of all the cold water that had settled in since it's last use. Yes, you've got it -an icy blast of water sprayed all over his poor, shivering, startled little body. His eyes grew big and he looked at me with shock and fear in his eyes. If he could have spoken he would have said something like, "What the fuck, mom?!?!" A torrent of tears and a rash of gurgling screams followed quickly on. I hurried through the rest of his bath crazily apologizing and frantically kissing his red and angry face. I got him out of the water and bundled him in a towel as fast as I could, and hugged him to me tightly and paced the room until he calmed down. I could not believe I had done it -I had let him down. I promised him everything would be okay and it wasn't okay. I made a mistake and now he trusted me just a little bit less than before. I hoped he would forget my error before our next bath-time and that this one horrible experience wouldn't sour him on baths generally. I knew in my sad heart that it wasn't the last time I would hurt him. I hoped he could forgive me -and that he will forgive me again the next time I let him down....

kissable

Isn't he just delicious? -even with the buggery nose...

repossession

...we stumbled across this dark tangle wandering around on Sauvie Island...

anniversary

Tonight, as we walked through the fading light in the crisp cool of the evening, I reflected to M: "Just think: it has been precisely one year since we decided to have a baby- and here we are living it!" I hardly thought it would happen so fast. X peeped out at me from his cozy burrow inside the Baby Bjorn, his eyes wide and curious as he took in the billowing tree branches and other strange city sights.

I don't have much time to reread and reflect on what sort of person I was one long year ago. I can say for certain I have changed drastically -and at the same time I haven't changed at all, as strange as that may sound. I am so glad I chose this road and wouldn't go back and do things differently for all the gold in the world. I have moments of panic and days of despondency. It isn't 100% happiness and light. But it is a crazy adventure and I can only imagine what new emotions and experiences and highs and lows are in store for me.

I also note with some remorse that my personal time is much reduced --time for meditating and reading and writing and gardening and enjoying all the things I once enjoyed. I especially note it now -on this anniversary - in regards to writing. My prose suffers for lack of time and attention. It is all I can do to pound out a few brief & poorly written entries every several weeks just to keep this blog afloat. I fear it will just become a place to document X's milestones and that I will lose touch with why I began it in the first place. I promise to try -that is the best I can do at this juncture.