2 more pink lines

Well, it looks like we've gone & done it again. The monstrous headache that began yesterday & persisted through the night was not indeed an oncoming bout of the flu but my body mounting a hormonal assault on my senses. I ambled out of bed groggy & grumpily & pissed on a stick first thing. "Wow, well. I'm not surprised." I said, directing M to have a gander. "Negative?" he said. "Ha. Have a look."

"Well, shit," he said.

"Well, shit" is right. This time around it's eyes wide open. This time around we've already got a dynamic, challenging, amazing 2 year old taking every last bit of our time & energy. This time there's no time for naps every day after work, for long lie-ins on weekend mornings, for lolling about reading pregnancy & birth books. This time there's precious little time. This time I've got to figure out how to manage a milk supply that is sure to dwindle & a toddler who is certain to mind that fact quite a bit. This time I have to plan what to do with my very attached boy when & if I am incarcerated in a hospital with a gaping hole in my body for 5 days.

But then again, this time I get to share all those wonderful moments with a special little friend. The kicks & the tight, growing belly will enchant him. The new wriggling little thing will mystify him. And through it all I will get to watch him learn how to be a brother, to share of himself in ways he's not had to do to date.

Of course I am thrilled, but it is a nuanced affair not to be compared to the first time. I know what I am getting myself into. I know how exhausting & confusing it all can be. But I know there is room in my heart & in my life for another little human & I eagerly await the day we will meet.

baby to boy

I referred to X as my baby while I changed his diaper this morning & he quickly chirped back: "I'm not a little baby anymore, I'm just a little boy." I'd always thought of 2 as the marker between babyhood & childhood, but somehow we slipped past it without notice. X still nurses avidly, he still loves to "guggle" his mama & papa & he's very devoted to the use of a bib & a baby spoon & a diaper (no potties for this big boy). So to hear him tell it like this quite out of the blue was something of a blow. Especially coming on the heels as it does of our recent efforts to replace him in his role as the baby of the house.

But along with this movement away from babyhood comes increasing cleverness, verbal dexterity, curiosity about all things & the ability & desire to chart his own course. And however frustrating the latter may be for me at times, I take pleasure in seeing him charge with confidence into the heart of his life. "I'm not a baby anymore, mama." I stand corrected, little son.