funny

(by Anna Kamienska)

What's it like to be a human
the bird asked

I myself don't know
it's being held prisoner by your skin
while reaching infinity
being a captive of your scrap of time
while touching eternity
being hopelessly uncertain
and helplessly hopeful
being a needle of frost
and a handful of heat
breathing in the air
and choking wordlessly
it's being on fire
with a nest made of ashes
eating bread
while filling up on hunger
it's dying without love
it's loving through death

That's funny said the bird
and flew effortlessly up into the air

in the ferry line

We spent the better part of today confined to the car -10 full hours, in fact. It was a case of really poor planning. We decided to travel to our friend's house in Port Angeles via Seattle (had to stop by the office there) & the Edmonds-Kingston ferry. Unfortunately, our timing was a little off which put us in the line for the ferry during rush hour...on a Friday. Indeed.

Thankfully, X hung in there & it wasn't until the final 5 miles that he really started getting torqued off, crying, "all done!" and furiously making the sign for the phrase with his hands. I hear ya, X. Me too!

dreaded daycare

Yes, dear reader, the time has finally come. X's naps are getting shorter, along with my fuse. It is becoming more & more difficult to cram my work into a couple hours daily, to say nothing of any time in which I might wish to do something for myself (who's that?). My neighbor (who is also in the market for some care for O) got a lead on someone in the neighborhood with a few short slots that she's willing to share with me. A, the care provider, has an AA in early childhood development & seems like a very kind, sensitive & serious person. She takes no more than 4 children at a time & runs a very cozy, comfortable little in-home situation.

I spoke with her at length about some of my preferences in terms of discipline (no rewards, no punishments) & diet (no sugar, no crap) & was surprised to find her in near perfect agreement. The other children in her care seem sweet & it will be good for X to spend some of his time with O -I am hoping it makes him a little more comfortable with it all.

I am somewhat anxious about the whole thing, of course. Will she cut his food small enough for him? -I know it seems silly, but he really isn't the greatest biter in all the world. What if he gets hurt? -How long will she let him cry before she calls me? -What if he feels like I've left him for good? -What if something happens to him & I wasn't there to prevent it? -How will I ever forgive myself?

But I dismiss all the worry as best as I can. It is good for him to learn that I will sometimes leave but I will always return. And I comfort myself with a reminder that he has been luckier than most kids to have had the nearly undivided attention of his mother for such a terribly long time. I hope it helps the transition, that his security is greater as a result of our very sure attachment. In any case, we shall see...

ride bikes

We finally got a baby seat mounted on the back of my bicycle for X. We've discussed it for a long time but went back & forth trying to decide between a seat & a trailer. For reasons that are fully irrational, I felt he would be safer seated closer to me, and so we went with the seat. After a few nervous rides & a quick lesson from M in shifting gears (seriously -I have never been your typical Portlander in this regard), I feel very comfortable with my new 30-lb passenger. I told M the other day that I have not enjoyed riding bikes this much since I was a child.

And to say X enjoys it would be an understatement of crazy proportions. In fact, we hesitate to mention we are considering taking a bike ride until moments before we walk out the door lest we subject ourselves to an eternal whiny chant: "wide bikes! wide bikes! wiiiiiide biiiiikes!" It is our new favorite mode of transportation & every day finds me either at Woodstock Park or the Library (it is a better biking distance than our too-close park, Mt. Scott), schlepping helmets & locks & a backpack full of books to exchange. I might turn into a true Portlander yet!

exploration

pcm

We rigged a crazy scam with my friend B & scored a membership to the Portland Children's Museum for both of our families for the price of one. It isn't all that complicated, it just involves B& I claiming domestic partnership & also fronting that we are parenting 4 children together (X's buddy O is one lucky little guy!). Anyone want to be my guest for free?

wheels

This is X's new all-time, hands-down favorite activity. Every day he runs to the front door, opens it (yes, we keep the gate locked on the front porch at all times), & whines: "car! wheel! car! wheel!" One of us usually accommodates him, grabbing a coffee on the way out. He crawls into the driver's seat of my car first, tests the gear shift, spins the wheel a little, pops the tape in & out of the tape deck (I drive a '91 Geo, folks), until he tires of it & wants out. And then it's on to Papa's car, or the "black car" (our beat up, little Toyota truck) for another turn at the wheel. And he runs from car to car until he's exhausted his desire to "drive" (usually takes less than an hour).

I have a friend who said her kid went through a car phase until they finally "had to cut him off." I guess it was getting annoying for them to have to sit in the car all morning, noon & night. I am far from being annoyed yet -it's really nothing to me to hang out there, seeing as I have to watch him anyhow -I may as well watch him in the car while he's having the time of his life. Although when the weather warms it is sure to be more of a bitch. There is no way I am sitting in a hot car all afternoon getting hyperthermia so X can pretend to drive.

parenting fail #1

X's top two teeth have always been a little mottled. Well, not always, but for a very long time. His pediatricians have seen it, the community health nurse took note, but no one seemed overly alarmed. Fluoride was prescribed, I was told to brush his teeth daily & I was given a general warning not to let him sleep on the boob, but that was it. He never eats sugar of any kind & doesn't "sleep on the breast" since I am typically so eager to get him off of me, as soon as he's done I pop him off & flip him over. I figured if I did all these things he should be fine.

At his 15 month appointment Dr. Pritchard seemed a little worried about the progress of decay & told us to get him in to see a dentist. We had no idea how bad things could be until our 1st few minutes with Dr. Pelley:

"His top four teeth are full of cavities. We'll need to put him under general anesthesia & pull them."

"Whaaaa??" M & I were totally shaken. How on earth could we have failed him this miserably? Why did none of our doctors sound an alarm? How could we not see this coming?

"Are you still nursing him at night?", Dr. Pelley asked. "You should really consider night weaning him as soon as possible. As long as none of your bad habits change, he is going to have dental decay"

"Let me get this straight -if I night wean him, will his teeth be repairable? -or is the damage already done? Wouldn't night weaning him be piling on one more layer of trauma in addition to the trauma of putting him under & pulling his four central teeth??" I asked, appalled that she would dare to criticize my breastfeeding relationship with X. He got his first tooth at four months -should I have weaned him then? -I was shocked that I was basically being blamed for this horror that was in store for my sweet boy.

We dialogued with Dr. Pelley briefly. She backed off a bit from her more aggressive treatment option & suggested that we could take a wait and see approach & give him monthly fluoride treatments until his 2nd birthday & then reconsider. We agreed with that option, scheduled our appointment for the following month & scurried out the door feeling battered, horrified, guilty & stressed.

How could we fail so miserably? -Why were we not paying closer attention? -Neither of us could sleep that night, & the days that followed on had us both googling nonstop, trying to get to the bottom of what was happening in our sons mouth. Should I wean him? -Was this milk that I thought was "nature's perfect food" really rotting his teeth? -How could that be? -4,000+ mammal species & humans alone have milk that rots the teeth of their young? -Wouldn't evolution select against that trait? -It just doesn't make sense....

In any case, I learned way more about dental health this week than I ever hoped to know...

pansy

mother daughter

I love this photo.

slow down

so what?

seriously

happy birthday! you suck!

Happy birthday to me: I'm a horrible mother. Okay, so that isn't what he said exactly, but M had some choice words for me once I finished wrestling X to sleep tonight. I think it was something about it being my birthday, I was feeling more situated in time & space than I do on regular old days, more open to reflection, less reflexively defensive than I might have been had he brought it up the day before or the day after.

"I worry sometimes that when you get super stressed from the endless nursing & storm out of the room in a fury that X thinks you are mad at him, " he said nervously, tentatively, like someone who'd just ignited a fuse & was waiting for the big boom once the fire reached the other end of the line.

But I didn't explode. I wept. He was so fucking right. X probably does think I am mad at him, the poor, little, hungry, innocent, unaware thing. He can't settle, he tosses, he turns, he cries, he asks for more milk than I feel capable of giving him & sometimes I just snap. Especially after an hour of it. No one could be more patient. Except I can be more patient. I just needed someone to tell me I'm a humongous asshole. Seriously. I have slammed doors in my frustration. I have kicked the dishwasher (the dishwasher always takes it well, whereas my foot suffers a little). I have sworn loudly & with conviction. Somehow all this explosive, over-the-top behavior seems to help take the edge off my desperate need for a LITTLE FUCKING TIME TO MYSELF AT THE END OF THE DAY -IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK????

"I totally understand that sometimes it is a little much. But if you could just try to calmly tell him something like: 'X, mama needs to go potty -I will be right back in a couple minutes' and then kiss him, pat him, leave without angst - it might go easier on him."

I can do that. I can totally do that. I have never felt so much regret & guilt as I did tonight, realizing this awful thing about myself, contemplating the fear & sadness in this little body who probably thinks that he did something to earn the ire of the most important person in all his world. I worried that I ruined him -that it is too late. He sobs helplessly whenever I leave the room now. Probably a direct result of my non-decision, my reflexive, frustrated, crazy, sleepless mama bullshit. But I know that is a fruitless avenue to wander down. I can't go back, only forward, forward into my 37th year of learning & growing & becoming better than I ever thought possible.

Thanks, M, for such an awesome gift. You are brave & honest & I love you for it. Please don't ever stop challenging me to become more fully the person I am capable of being.

single parenting

Last week X & I took a trip to the Twin Cities all on our own. We decided that from an economic point of view it made sense for me to go solo, plus M was glad to have a full week of fathering-free time to work in earnest on the tiny house. My cousin (& former BFF -we were born on the same day, of all things!) was getting married last weekend & I really hankered for an opportunity to see all those family members that I seldom have time to visit on our infrequent & somewhat frenetic trips back home.

X was a champion traveler, of course I was very prepared with stickers & blocks & a plastic container (to put the blocks in & take them out of, of course -thanks, C, for the big idea!) & coloring crayons & books & puzzles & you name it. We spent the week in low-key fashion, mostly hanging around my parent's house & watching while X played in the very baby-friendly yard with my sister's 3-year-old daughter, A.

While I am not eager to travel sans M again, I was glad for the reminder of how instrumental M is in making my day-to-day more manageable. I had the help of my mom & sister, which was great, so I was able to shower & grab a bite to eat while someone held down the X fort. But no one can take the place of a really wonderful & involved Dad. And that is what I have in M. I am one lucky mama...

ride, baby, ride

cousins

Girls are so unpredictable

best wishes

free spirit

happy 4th

blueberry helper

Imagine my delight to find that suddenly my little baby is a help & not a hindrance on a picking excursion to a blueberry farm! We managed to haul a full 20lbs after a morning's labor & didn't need to mind the child a bit. He wandered on his own along the row, picking a hundred thousand berries & stuffing them into his face. I am sure he ate far too many green ones, but what is the harm in that? I even got him picking them & putting them into the bucket, except that pulling them out & throwing them on the ground proved to be far more fun. In any case, it was wonderful to be able to go about my business without worrying to death about my kid's comfort & safety for a change. I imagine it only gets easier from here on out...

a rose by any other name

what's this?

The insatiable curiosity begins...