fog of war

Okay, so it's not a war exactly, but something is going on inside my body that has turned all my bright summery days into bleak, miserable slogs through misty, endless landscapes. Each day is eternal & I cannot fall into bed soon enough. I am way sicker this time than I was with X. Way. It isn't as though I'm barfing daily, but I have barfed & my gut is always threatening to let loose again at any moment. It is horrible. And unrelenting. "Morning sickness" my ass. This shit is an all day, all night, nonstop, 24 hour affair & I cannot wait for it to relent. I can't eat anything with any pleasure. Even sleep eludes, sans the miraculous Unisom which provides me with some relief.

The only bright spot in all this blighted agony is that X has by some miracle started sleeping through the night. Just like that. The long-awaited "adult sleep pattern" has finally arrived & not a moment too soon! I can't say for sure that this book deserves credit, but the timing is uncanny. A kind Facebook friend sent along the link & in a panic I ordered it online, desperate for a little more sleep at this critical time. It arrived & X & I wasted no time reading & rereading it. And he loved it! He asked to read it before bed, before nap, whenever. He really seemed to get it. And then...voila! A few night later & he's sleeping until the sun shines each & every morning! Can you hear that? That's the sound of an angel choir in heaven singing the Hallelujah Chorus just for me!

So, while I'm definitely uncomfortable & having an incredibly difficult time being excited about this shit-eating little parasite who is determined to ruin my summer, I am at least more well rested then I have been in years. Finally.

publishing

It's hard for me not to go public with this one. With X I shouted my joy from the highest treetops from the very first that I knew of his existence. But I am more cautious this time. My age dictates that I take the genetic testing a little more seriously. I am 37 this time (almost...don't rush me!) & I know that for every year you get bumped up a bit in the odds department for a number of anomalies. I know it's only a silly odds game, but it still troubles me & I know if my odds are higher this time I might take more steps, invite more interventions than I did the first time.

I also feel more protective this time of my wonderful life. Not that with X I was cavalier. I was still cautious, but with odds of 1 in 3,000 I felt confident that my baby would be whole & healthy. And it was all so new. This time I feel like I am inviting this new person to join a family. I have X to consider, who would surely suffer some if we had an exceptionally high needs baby in our care. I guess I just don't want to fuck anything up.

So I am keeping hush-hush until we've got confirmation that everything is A-OK. In other words, if you're reading this you know we're in the clear. But as of this writing there is still a little anxiety hovering around as we wait...& hope for the best.