long time passing

It would seem that I have all but abandoned this work. I regret that I have been far too exhausted too many evenings to record the myriad thoughts and sensations I have had these last several weeks. I am still working full time, and between that and our regular several-mile evening walks, I have little leftover for anything else. But I will try to relay a few fleeting thoughts before I find sleep irresistible:

With 33 days remaining I admit to a slight and occasional panic that the moments I have been awaiting have finally come. We painted a chalkboard on a door in the kitchen and have there kept a little countdown clock. Each day I change the mark and catch my breath a little as the numbers fall. The hospital bag is at the ready and the nursery is fully outfitted- replete with waterproof pads and diaper cream and lanisoh and onesies all manner of infant accouterments that I never in a million years imagined I would need. The boy continues to stretch and strain at his confinement, his kicks growing stronger by the day. I smile each time he turns and chide him, "patience, child."

Meanwhile, M and I keep up our daily dream-talk: will his hair be dark and curly? -his eyes blue or brown? -do his constant, eager movements portend a rambunctious and unruly boy? -can we keep his eyes from TV? -will he eat his vegetables or be fussier than either of his parents? -will he be kind or difficult -or a heart-rending combination of the two?

The labor doesn't frighten me, although some say it should. I simply don't see the purpose of feeding fear in the face of something so inevitable. I can't run away now, in any case, so I may as well buck up and face it with my best game face. Fortunately, our classes have been helpful in calming my nerves and I have scoured every natural childbirth book on the planet in an effort to self-educate. The hundreds of birth stories I have read give me courage and help me see that however diverse and complicated each woman's experience may be, she is able to get through it. I will get through it too.

I have been practicing my best baby-talk, chattering to him as if he were already here -a sort of rehearsal I suppose. It is silly, but it makes it more real. It is absolutely staggering to realize in a matter of weeks I will be sharing my heart and my home with this creature whom I have yet to meet!

And now, off to bed...