missing out

"You missed an awesome chance to hang out with some real Hawaiians!" declared my brother. He was obviously annoyed.

My jaw dropped. We had been tooling around Hana all day, hitting beaches, visiting his friends, and the night had fallen quickly. X was tired, starving & I was feeling a little sorry for him for being jerked around for days on end so that we could enjoy our nice Maui vacation. It was going on 7pm & we hadn't had dinner, X was starting to act crazy & pissed off & I knew it was past time to pack it in. His friends weren't all that hospitable to begin with & their home was shockingly unsanitary. There was no way I was going to try to put X to bed there, even if they had offered a place to settle him (which they hadn't).

"You are way too worried about that kid, you know. You are so far up his ass! -you should have just let him run off & play with my friend's kids, you know, then we coulda partied late & had a real good time!"

Whoa. This is all so far beyond what any mother can expect in terms of criticism, especially when that criticism comes from a 40-something single man with no children of his own. I should have known things could get uncomfortable when on the phone some months ago he told me that if I "ever need advice about raising kids I can always ask him." Apparently, having a few friends with kids entitles one to lay claim to expert child-rearing status. During that same conversation he advised me that I should have "detached early, let 'em get used to being on their own as soon as possible." Um, sure. Okay. Obviously we were not on the same page.

I felt defensive, clearly. I tried to argue with him, despite knowing in the background that it was futile & I would be better served by beating my head against a wall:

"X is only 14 months & can scarcely walk on his own! -he doesn't 'run off & play' with anyone! -do you know what would have happened if I had let him 'run off & play?' -he would have fallen almost immediately, or got into something he shouldn't be into, he would probably hurt himself, hopefully not horribly, but in any case he'd come crying to me pronto! -And boy, that sure sounds like fun, doesn't it? -who do you think could possibly have 'fun' while her kid is crying, tired & hungry?"

"He doesn't play with other kids??? -they speak the same language! -you really need to ease up! -what was gonna happen? -you just missed a great chance to hang out & party with real Hawaiians!"

What I didn't say, & have regretted ever since this moment, was this: "Look: I am missing out on a lot of things, brother. This is what happens when you have kids. You miss out on shit."

And another thing I didn't say: "You're the one who missed out: you missed out on a chance to be kind & hospitable to your sister who you see once every decade or so!"

What I did say, after flailing madly to argue with someone who couldn't possibly understand where I was coming from ("pearls before swine" is an impolitic way of putting it): I know my child one hundred million zillion times better than you do or ever will know him. I know when he is signaling to me that he is hungry. I know when he is tired & wants to go to bed. I make the decisions about how best to meet his needs, not you. If you have advice to offer because you genuinely fear for X's well-being, by all means offer it. But you can see that he is a well-adjusted, sweet, easy-going, even-tempered child, and you've said so yourself. The absolute truth is that I have no interest in hearing your opinion because it is uninformed & it comes from a place of inexperience. So in the future I will respect you to keep it to yourself. I do not care what you think of my parenting.

And that shut him up! Truly! Not another word!