stress test

I took X to day care today for the last time. I figured I would give it another go. O wasn't going to be there, so minus all the sobbing & pants-leg clutching I thought we might stand something of a chance. Plus, I have to pay for the next two weeks owing to an extremely one-sided contract (that I signed without knowing the full other side, which is that if one of A's full time clients wants our spot us part timers get booted -so, let's get the straight: we guarantee her payment but she does not guarantee us care...hmmmm). So, in homage to thrift I figured I would try one more time.

X seemed happy enough to be at "A's house," but once I signaled to him that it was time for me to leave the tears started welling up. He went to the window, anticipating my departure, his lip quivering. I decided to stick around a while longer. A got him a blueberry muffin for a snack and he had a hard time sitting in his seat, preferring my lap instead. For a time he ate his muffin with one hand while the other clutched the sleeve of my sweatshirt. This was not going to be easy.

I hung around for another hour or so & he played joyfully, tossing the basketball & rolling in a pile of stuffed animals. But when I asked him if it was okay if I took off, he grew instantly sad, clingy & despairing. There was just no way I could do it.

I talked to A quite candidly about my dilemma. She assured me she understood completely. She said that most parents only put their kids through this sort of stress out of absolute necessity -they simply have no other options, they have a job to do, rent to pay, & therefore the tears & stress is something their kid needs to go through in order for the family to survive. It is a tough trade-off, but that makes sense to me. Thankfully, I am not in that boat. She said that those who put their kids through this willfully & without necessity is something she has a hard time understanding, and so do I.

I left today with X in tow. We hung out for two full hours & had a great time playing with the other kids, but he was not going to tolerate being left there without a fuss & I had to be sensitive to his need to be near me. I appreciated A's approach for the most part, I like the proximity to my house, the opening was perfect for our schedule, but my child's need to feel secure & comfortable trumps any convenience. Especially so long as there are other options available.

So, it is back to the drawing board for this tired, desperate-for-help mother....