2 more pink lines

Well, it looks like we've gone & done it again. The monstrous headache that began yesterday & persisted through the night was not indeed an oncoming bout of the flu but my body mounting a hormonal assault on my senses. I ambled out of bed groggy & grumpily & pissed on a stick first thing. "Wow, well. I'm not surprised." I said, directing M to have a gander. "Negative?" he said. "Ha. Have a look."

"Well, shit," he said.

"Well, shit" is right. This time around it's eyes wide open. This time around we've already got a dynamic, challenging, amazing 2 year old taking every last bit of our time & energy. This time there's no time for naps every day after work, for long lie-ins on weekend mornings, for lolling about reading pregnancy & birth books. This time there's precious little time. This time I've got to figure out how to manage a milk supply that is sure to dwindle & a toddler who is certain to mind that fact quite a bit. This time I have to plan what to do with my very attached boy when & if I am incarcerated in a hospital with a gaping hole in my body for 5 days.

But then again, this time I get to share all those wonderful moments with a special little friend. The kicks & the tight, growing belly will enchant him. The new wriggling little thing will mystify him. And through it all I will get to watch him learn how to be a brother, to share of himself in ways he's not had to do to date.

Of course I am thrilled, but it is a nuanced affair not to be compared to the first time. I know what I am getting myself into. I know how exhausting & confusing it all can be. But I know there is room in my heart & in my life for another little human & I eagerly await the day we will meet.