the cure vs. the disease

Here's a parenting topic in which I lack confidence & will no doubt respond somewhat defensively when questioned on my choices: vaccines. Should you accept or reject them? (we have given most of them, excepting Rotavirus since X is not in daycare) -Should you adopt a modified or delayed schedule? (we modify and try to give as few at a time as possible) -Are they harmful or effective? (I am going to bet on effective, seeing as horrible diseases like Polio & Diphtheria have been nearly eradicated)...

The truth is, I don't feel like I can get a straight answer anywhere. There are so many loud & obnoxious voices on both extremes, the even-keeled moderate ones seem to get lost in the middle somewhere. When considering vaccines for my baby, I feel like I am always choosing between several horrible ways in which my baby could potentially die. On the one hand, he could have seizures & become a brain-damaged vegetable & die from complications"(what the hell are "complications" anyhow?). On the the other hand, his lungs could fill with fluid such that he could no longer breathe & he could cough himself to death. Hmmmm. Tough choice. So, which death seems less protracted & uncomfortable? -because I'll take that one, please?!

A few weeks ago I jotted something on my Facebook account regarding the Prevnar vaccine we were scheduled to give to X that afternoon. Moments after I posted, I noted a new email in my inbox. A friend (actually, a friend of a friend -someone who I have never met in person, in fact) had sent a long, detailed private message about how dangerous Prevnar is and how it doesn't even work and how all the doctors that shill for it are on the payroll at Merck, etc., etc. I didn't respond --mostly because I didn't know how. I am not about to defend the makers of Prevnar -I'm sure there is some pretty shady shit going on there (it's a massive, lucrative drug company, after all). I just know that we sure as hell don't want X to get Pneumococcal Pneumonia, so we get the vaccine. End of story. Maybe her claims had merit, but I was not about to alter my plans for the afternoon on account of a rambling, impassioned diatribe written by a perfect stranger. It seemed somewhat odd to me that she spent the time & energy to engage me on the topic -- she was probably very worried about X. But I am too! -I worry about the disease & I worry about the cure, and I feel good about neither. It usually just comes down to what worries me more, and in this case the disease does.

We've been on the fence for a while regarding the H1N1 vaccine -should we get it? - should we skip it? -maybe just M should get it, since he's out and about more? -maybe we should just hide out at home and hope for the best? -We've gone round & round. We finally decided to get it ourselves & give it to X. We've heard of babies on pill hill hooked up to respirators. We've managed to shelter X from anything jarring & traumatic for all these months, it would be terrible to fuck that up now with a lengthy illness. And since X is still exclusively breastfed (yes, weirdly enough he refuses to eat anything but me at almost 8 months -a topic for another post) I have been particularly concerned that a major respiratory ailment could disrupt that dear relationship, not to mention make physically eating nearly impossible. So, it is now just a waiting game until OHSU gets the vaccine in stock.

But now it turns out that we might be too late. My neighbor has been exhibiting "flu-like symptoms" today and yesterday & we spent nearly the entire day with her on Tuesday. X slept like a champ last night (I grew suspicious immediately!), was awake for an hour today and wanted to go back to sleep. After his morning nap, again he was ready for sleep a mere hour or two later. His nose was runny, & he was weepy, withdrawn, glassy-eyed & weird all day. Something is clearly going on. I called the doctor who prescribed a prophylactic daily dose of Tamiflu. I was told to watch him and if he stops eating or grow so lethargic that he stops interacting at all I should rush him to the hospital. Great.

So, I've spent the night near tears & hunched over this computer, googling things like "tamiflu infant safe" and "h1n1 infant symptoms" and "flu infant complications" and generally feeling completely freaked out. I can only hope Tamiflu is safe. I have no idea if he is really coming down with flu or not, but I don't feel comfortable taking chances. I feel 100% uncertain that I am making the right choices about this. It is an awful way to feel.

So, to the girl who knows-it-all re: Prevnar & all those terrible vaccines: what would you do? -it must be nice to feel so sure of yourself. I wish I did.