attitude

X doesn't want to go our way anymore. The change came without warning & appears irreversible. Our baby is gone & in his place is a willful, petulant crybaby. M tried to pick him up Saturday afternoon & for whatever reason X decided that wasn't for him. He threw himself forward, crumpling his legs & flapping his arms wildly, peevishly, all the while panting: "AH! AH! AH!" Tears would have followed shortly on had we not quickly realized what was happening & given him whatever he desired.

Ever since that moment, he has taken every possible opportunity to get pissed off at us. Sometimes he whacks me for no apparent reason, but just because he can. Like tonight as I nursed him to sleep. Out of the blue he smacks my breast & hollers "AH!," which I am learning is his way of telling me to fuck off. He's bit me a few times too, but usually just mischievously & without malice. He's testing every boundary we lay for him, and so we move them to keep him happy.

I knew it was coming, I just didn't realize it would come so swiftly & with no inkling the day before of what was coming down the pipes. I struggle to come up with an instant action plan. For now, my plan is not to respond to the vast majority of outbursts-just act like he didn't do anything out of the ordinary & hope the spell passes. When he screams & throws his avocados on the floor, I will quietly retrieve them & ask him if he doesn't want some pears instead. When he hits me & hurts me, I will tell him calmly that he hurt me & that it is not nice to hit others. If an outburst persists & threatens to turn into a full-blown tantrum, I intend to honor his feelings insofar as I am able by asking him why he is angry & by trying to help him resolve his issue. I intend to pick my battles carefully. Safety issues are non-negotiable, but almost everything else is up for grabs. I am no rules stickler. I plan to slow down & allow more time for everything. Being in a hurry makes everyone miserable. I will respect his special little person-hood, despite the fact that he lacks reason much of the time. I empathize with his helplessness & frustration at times. It must be a bitch to be so dependent on others for everything, to have no real autonomy, privacy, or right to decision-making power in your life. It is much harder to be 13 months than it is to be 35, and so I need to have a whole lot of mercy.

I expect I will lose my cool often enough, especially seeing how hard it was to maintain when my perfect, docile, smiling, little angel tested me with a few sleepless nights. That guy was easy compared with the new arm-flailing screamer who replaced him.