good praising!

We've been video-chatting with M's mother on occasion, or at least as long as X can abide it (which isn't long -I think the talking computer screen sort of freaks him out). Most recently, we were showing her X's newest tricks (where's your shirt? -where's your tongue? -what does a sheep say? -and so on). She gushed: "You guys realize he's reaaaaally smart, don't you?" I stifled a laugh, because in my opinion being able to stick out your tongue on command at 13 months does not necessarily indicate a budding genius. After all, Einstein himself (his name a virtual synonym for genius) did not speak at all until well into his toddler years. I replied that all babies develop at different rates & I did not think there was any reason for me to assume he is possessed of superior intelligence based on anything I've seen from him to date. She did not want to accept my dismissal & continued to insist on his obviously amazing intellect. Not wishing to argue with her, I asked her instead if she wouldn't mind "keeping his smarts on the DL" since as we all know, being told one is smart repeatedly can have negative unintended consequences. She took my point & we thankfully moved on to other less ridiculous topics.

I was referring, of course, to the oft-forwarded article that came out several years ago entitled "How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise." I may have posted a link in this blog at some point & I find myself returning time & again to the ideas suggested therein. The general thesis is that children who are told they are smart seek to avoid challenges lest they compromise their status as "smart." As the article's researcher states: “When we praise children for their intelligence...we tell them that this is the name of the game: Look smart, don’t risk making mistakes.” Similarly, kids on whom praise is heaped tend to work solely for the praise they anticipate receiving & not for the joy or challenge of the task itself. They become praise junkies, serving their desire to get more praise instead of their desire to explore, create & become. The praise becomes an end in itself, not the skills, hobbies, & challenges that once interested them.

This goes against all the basic assumptions that I held when I first ventured to try my hand at this parenting thing. I always assumed, especially with girls, that it was important to emphasize their smarts as opposed to their looks. I reflexively rejected punishment as a primary disciplinary technique & instead assumed offering praise for good behavior would substitute nicely. This article (and that works of Alfie Kohn in general) blew all of these ideas out of the water.

My mother was a big believer in praise when we were growing up, and she used it liberally on X when she was visiting for his birthday a month ago. She was a ringing chorus of "Good jobs!" until I finally snapped and told her, as nicely as possible: "Mom, life is not a series of 'jobs' at which one can be either 'good' or 'bad' at. It is far more complex than that." And I think she got it. She asked me almost immediately: "Well, what are you supposed to say when they do something cool?" And it's true: at first it can feel sort of awkward & empty when you stop praising, because of course you are proud & pleased when your child masters a new skill. But if you stop evaluating everything they do ("good job!"), you soon realize there are hundreds of other available ways to share your joy.

While I would love to ramble on, I'm out of energy for the evening. Please note, however, that some of the articles linked above provide more information on this subject if you are curious & wish to read further. If you have to pick one, read this one. Cheers!