relics

I sucked up today & finally accepted the fact that no amount of sucking in is going to hide my growing girth. Only 14 weeks & already I've grown a neat little pouch & my pants are all pinching & my shirts just look stretched & silly. Those that know me would definitely know. Those that don't would wonder: "is she fat or pregnant?" And so, to help those that don't know me conclude correctly, today I swapped out all my regular slim clothes for a bunch of maternity stuff that had been waiting in bins beneath layers of dust in the garage for the last 2.5 years.

It was strange to root among all those old clothes. The last time I wore them I was a different girl, unschooled in the ways of motherhood: the nonstop breastfeeding, the sleepless nights, the endless stream of body fluids, the cloth diapering, the teething, the toddling, the falling, the crying jags (both his & mine), the intense, heartbreaking joy, the worry, the frustration -none of these had crossed my path yet. Oh, I had known joy & frustration, certainly, but nothing to rival the joy & frustration that comes when one's primary job is to steer a tiny human through the world. All those sensations & experiences were all still lurking out there somewhere in the nebulous future the last time I donned these clothes. I had read all the books & heard from a million moms what to expect, but I could not know even the first thing about it until I had gone there myself.

And now I am going there again. I found the robe I wore during labor. It is a cheap little floral gown. I bought it so I would not have to wear the hospital issue. I have not worn it since those terrible days. I doubt I will wear it ever again. I found a pile of massive maternity jeans & I am swearing this time, as I try them on & swim around in them, that I will NOT be gaining 50lbs this time. No way. Not in a million years. Most of the clothes are still way too big, but it makes me happy to sit inside these giant shirts & imagine them filling up with someone who is slowly growing inside me....someone who is undoubtedly going to frustrate me plenty & who fill surely our home with joy.

And so today I have filled my drawers with old maternity clothes & my heart, bit by bit, begins to fill with love....