ptsd at six weeks

"How are you dealing the PTSD?" the midwife asked. How refreshing to hear it spoken of that way! -because that is precisely how I have been framing the complexity of my post-birth emotional terrain.

I was at OHSU for my 6-week postpartum checkup. I was required to visit with the obstetrics team for my 2-week instead of midwifery (owing to the complications of X's birth), so it was great to be back in familiar territory and with those who understand what I have been going through. The OB nurse I met with at 2-weeks was pregnant herself and was opting for a planned c-section, so I was unlikely to get a whole lot of sympathy from her. The first question coming from midwifery was concerning my post traumatic stress disorder -a welcome change.

She told me that many women in my circumstance find themselves feeling conflicted and confused after the whole ordeal is over -even guilty -because in this midst of something so joyous as the birth of a child there coexists profound feelings of grief, sadness and remorse. So, while you want more than anything to enjoy those precious first moments with your new baby, you cannot help but mourn for what was lost. And meanwhile, as you mourn, something else is lost -that early wonder at the miraculous beauty of your child winds up more than a bit tainted by sorrow. It turns something so wonderful into something rather bittersweet.

I have felt this way precisely. In the early days after X was born, I was torn between celebrating his arrival and my very serious need to process the traumatic event I had just lived through. I needed to mourn -I could not look at him long without crying for all that had gone so miserably wrong. I questioned whether things could have turned out differently had I made different choices along the way. I beat myself up, fearing poor X had suffered right along with me. I hoped with all my heart that our bond would trump the difficulty of his birth and how scary those first few hours must have been for him. And the dark turn of my thoughts was only half of it -add to it the fact that I was on heavy narcotic pain medication, which dulled my sad senses and made the whole of his earliest days quite a blur.

It makes me sad to think on these things, but I am slowly growing beyond tears.