mommy dearest

Okay, so I wasn't exactly at Joan Crawford levels of terrible mother ("no wire hangers!!"), but I sure as fuck wasn't June Cleaver either. Today was about as bad as they get...so far (tempering my words for those toddler moms out there who are rolling their eyes at this moment and thinking: "God, is she ever in for it!"). X has been cutting tooth #6 since God was born, or at least it feels like it's been forever (come in, already!). Last night he woke up sometime around 1AM and fussed & nursed off & on until 4. Then, this morning he acted like he wanted to nurse/nap around 9:15. We went in the bedroom to lie down, but he didn't fall asleep until 11:45. Yes, you read that right -that is 2.5 long, irritating, hours of nonstop boob sucking. He woke up at 1PM and by 2:15 he was acting sleepy/hungry again. So, again, another 2 hours of nipple torture and still he refused to sleep.

I left him in the bedroom for a while to think about his behavior --maybe he'd come around, repent of his wicked ways and give his mom a much-needed break. Nope. Some more nursing, during which he would drift off to sleep, I would attempt to extract my nipple, he'd wake, snuffle around looking for more boob, cry &...repeat. Occasionally, I lost my cool and nearly hollered things like, "HOLY SHIT, DUDE?! -REALLY? -DO WE NEED TO DO THIS FOR 3 FUCKING HOURS?!"...uh, yeah...not very conducive to creating a restful sleep environment.

A little after 4PM I was hopeless. I snatched him out of bed, plunked him on the living floor with some toys & sobbed for a few moments in desperation ("please, X! -would you please just sleep?!"). I tried the swing for a while -- stuffed him in it and turned my back, hoping he'd fall asleep (yeah, right!). He tried to weasel out of it. At 4:45 I GMail chatted a panicked message to M at work: "come home please!!!!" He logged off shortly after.

By 5:30PM X's eyes were ringed in red & he was giggling uncontrollably at the beach ball as I batted it at his head. Sleep was a lost cause at this point, despite the fact that he desperately needed it.

M arrived & suggested we take a walk to the grocery store. I should have known what this would mean. Unlike a lot of babies, X isn't lulled into sleep by the movements of a stroller or a car or anything. The kid needs to have a boob in his mouth to sleep. Period. Soooo, instead of a nice relaxing walk unencumbered by the demands of motherhood, I got to schlep X in the Ergo like I was some kind of pack animal while he sucked on my boob the entire way THERE & BACK. Yes. So, my day is destroyed and now the relaxing evening dad-time is also totally fucked. My jaw was tight & I kept clenching & unclenching my fists as I stomped through the autumn darkness. Poor M did not have this in mind either.

I think the most infuriating bit for me is not the endless nursing (although, hello! -ouch!), nor the nap strikes or any of that. It is that I must work my stupid job, so when X doesn't nap, I don't get any time to work (personal time?? -what's that??). And then as I am nursing X endlessly, stressing about the work I am not doing, I feel anger & frustration that I even have to work at all (which I don't -I chose to, for the additional income & the health insurance -- and, I should note, who quits a job in this economy?). And then when I holler, or tense up, I feel guilty & terrible for being such a shitty mother --and then the stress of being a shitty mother compounds the stress of having to work and it all boils over in a nasty, disgusting, terrible brew of inadequacy & irritation.

I know, I know...we all go through it. We all have those days when we're not exactly proud of our "parenting style" -- when we say things we don't mean & aren't as patient as we could be. But let's hope to have as few of them as possible, okay?!