shame

It's a shame that I even have to write this post. I wish it weren't so. But the fact is, X & I finally met some serious breastfeeding haters today.

I guess I should count it a minor miracle that I made it this far without any stressful confrontations regarding breastfeeding. My family is fully supportive, despite the fact that my mother only nursed for 6 months & found it rather "claustrophobic." M's family makes no bones about it. I have wantonly nursed in public without a second thought, time & time again. I have never been one to cover up -- what a nuisance that is! --While I try to be reasonably discreet, I honestly feel no compunction about exposing myself a little in the interest of feeding my baby. And thankfully, most of Portland seems to share my perspective. If anything, I tend to get smiles & nods of encouragement from those that spy us out in the grocery store or on a trail or wherever we might be. The general ethos seems to be one of tolerance & accommodation, which I appreciate immensely --and all the more now, having experienced, albeit briefly, something quite opposed.

We were in a candy store in Cannon Beach at the Oregon Coast with our friends V & K and MB, perusing the wares, considering our fudge options and weighing the pros & cons of ordering up some Elephant Ears. I was nursing X on the go in the Ergo. I didn't have the top cover on, but he was pretty tucked in & out of the way. We do this all the time. I am not sure how or when I first noticed it, but is suddenly became apparent that a middle-aged lady in some uber-hip, slutty biker chic threads & with long, straight dyed black hair was eyeing me in disgust. She had two teen aged daughters, both the spitting image (same uber-hip, slutty-biked chic threads, same dyed black hair), and a younger son who was probably around 8-10 years old. After I caught sight of her evil eye, I overheard her ordering her son to "look over there! -go over there & look that way!" -as she frantically pointed in a direction opposite of where I was standing. She had a thick Jersey-ish accent (I can't place it precisely) & was obviously a tourist. That fact became crystal clear when she loudly muttered something to her husband about how "weird these Oregonians are" -oh, she didn't use those words exactly, but she said something along the lines of: "we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto!"

Instinctively, I retreated. I went outside to wait for my friends, but noticed MB gesturing from inside that I should return. He had seen it too, I gathered, and was encouraging me not to run & hide --I had nothing to be ashamed of, so I returned to the shop & stood my ground.

Now, I am not an overly confrontational person, but if you have a problem with me, & are stupid enough to let on to me that you do, I am definitely going to try to find out what your problem is. I spent way too much time in the company of passive-aggressive Minnesotans to want to play that game. So, true to form, I continued to nurse my baby & I kept my eye trained on this woman. Whenever I could, I met her eyes. I wanted her to know that I knew she was offended. And I wanted her to know that I was not ashamed, despite her best efforts to bring me down.

We watched as the Ed-Hardy-clad family made it's purchases & we waited until they left the shop. As they passed, someone in our group somewhat loudly said something like "it's so unnatural!" or something to that effect. We were indeed being somewhat provocative, although nothing was said to them directly. They hadn't gone more than a few paces down the sidewalk, when suddenly their 8 year old son turns, runs a few steps back & hollers at us: "FUCK YOU!" Stunned, we look at each other -what in the hell was that?! I think someone quipped that the poor kid must have been bottle fed, but certainly not loud enough for him to hear since he was some distance away. "I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP!" -he yelled again. His parents made no move to bring him to heel. He seemed to be hollering at us with their full consent & blessing. It was nuts.

I have no idea what was going on beyond what I observed first hand, but I will hazard a guess that the child was most likely shamed by his mother for being curious about breastfeeding. I am willing to bet that he was gaping at me & she made him feel embarrassed and ashamed of himself. I know that feelings of shame can often cause someone to lash out in violence against the perceived source of such complicated emotions. Thus, he was mad at me for being there -for tempting his curiosity. Maybe I am wrong about this --I have no idea, but it seems as likely an explanation as any.

I am upset by this experience on a number of levels. On the one hand, I feel violated as an Oregonian --as though some unwritten but inviolable contract that I have with my home state was horribly breached. I have no idea where these people came from, but this place they were visiting is mine, it is where I feel most comfortable, it is a place that is accepting & kind. It was as though these foreigners had the nerve to walk into my living room and insult my way of life.

But I think the most awful thing for me is how I am now forced -against my will- to imagine the world from the hater's point of view. I always knew that there were people out there who think breastfeeding is disgusting, but I never met one -- I never had anyone look at my beautiful boy & me & think "gross! -what nasty business is going on here?!" The fact that someone can look upon something so miraculous, so loving, so beautiful & intimate and instead find it vile & strange is impossible for me to comprehend. Now, when I nurse my baby, I have that other awful vision in the back of my head. I know now that some people think it is a terrible thing. And I wish like hell I could protect X from all the world's hatred. It is so horrible to me that these people would deny X something that is his everything -it is his source of nutrition & comfort & a major way in which he feels loved.

Ugh -I feel dirty. I know they are wrong, wrong, wrong -but their energy is a pollutant & it hovers over....