voyeur

M laid beside us in the bedroom the other night as I was nursing X to sleep. He said, "It is strange -you and X have this crazy bond -it is almost as if you are one unit, whereas I am just some guy hanging around like a weird voyeur."

And it's true -it is as though he were loitering around outside whatever it is we have going on here, watching, witnessing, assisting when needed, but generally just observing & trying not to get in the way.

Part of that is owing to the fact that I haven't pumped yet & attempted to feed X somehow other than by my own body. If I had a store of breast milk laid by, M could take a few shifts. I feel guilty acknowledging that I haven't pumped -a dear friend gave me a very spendy electric pump and I planned to use it before X arrived, but the barrier to entry on such high-tech gadgetry is high. I spend so much time nursing that the thought of hooking myself up to that thing during my off hours is just completely repellent. There are mornings where I tell myself I am going to do it and then when the time comes I chicken out. Maybe one of these days...

In any case, there really isn't much for M to do. I could let him "father down" the baby, per the instructions of the good Dr. Sears. But really -once X starts to cry, it is nearly impossible for me to let it roll and wait and hope that someone else is able to comfort him. I know what he wants -he wants me, and why withhold that from him? -I know, I know...-so that someday I can have a break or so that X learns to be comforted by someone else, etc. etc. There are a million reasons, but none are options for me in the immediate. My baby is crying and I can make him stop. That is how I look at it, for right or for wrong.

I remember during my pregnancy hearing someone say "motherhood is biological, but fatherhood is theoretical." I thought that was pretty witty at the time, because unless the child really resembles his dad, it is anyone's guess as to the paternity (in our case, X is the spitting image, so this particular theory holds water). But M definitely feels cut off from the biological connection that is so apparent between X and I. He doesn't seem to mind -it is just the way it is. But it is odd to think that we aren't really sharing this experience in the same sense, that he is somehow an outsider, despite his intimacy with us both.