gone missing

I know I've been remiss in ignoring the blog these last few weeks. Every evening as I stagger into bed exhausted and heavy, I think of all the things I might have written about if only I had the stamina. But stamina isn't the only thing missing. I can't help but feel somewhat tongue-tied of late (those who know me best are having serious doubts about this one). The other afternoon I was listening to a live recording of Kristen Hersh (of Throwing Muses) and on the record she discusses being pregnant and how it alters your ability to focus. She said (in so many words) that when you're pregnant you are intently transfixed on this other-worldly, internal universe -and that world isn't more important or necessarily more interesting, but it consumes your vision for the duration.

That is how I feel -- like my vision is focused on this nonverbal interior landscape, and these passing days are like a mist drifting over me. I am hardly aware of the passage of time, except in those rare moments of panic when I realize with a start "I only have 17 weeks left!" or when I remember that I haven't signed up for birthing classes yet. It is an annoying state of mind, to be perfectly honest. I would love nothing more than to feel very grounded in the physical experience of being pregnant. But I am finding it heady and light and mystical and not at all real.

So this is my offering of excuse. Hopefully breaking the ice with this confession will spur me to write with more regularity over the coming months. I know that one day I will be glad of this record.