I've become strangely protective of my belly of late. I know the baby is safe and cushioned inside a taut bag of water, but I cannot help but think my protective hand might help a little in an emergency. Last night, as M and I wandered home from dinner in the darkness, a sketchy fellow ambled by on his bicycle with his unchained pit bull lumbering behind him. I gasped, grabbed my belly and hid behind M until the coast was clear. And then as I slept, even in dreams my belly was under threat. I dreamed that I was shooting hoops with a friend and some hoodlums approached and tried to push us off the court. I swore at them defiantly and held my ground, but when the strangers faces loomed over me I gripped my belly in fear. "You can't hurt me! -I'm pregnant!" I declared. "We'll see about that!" the men threatened. I woke up with a start, frightened by my own cries and gripping my abdomen savagely.
It is startling to feel so strong and protective and yet so vulnerable all at once. And I know these sensations are just a taste of what is to come. How much more difficult will it be to protect my child years from now when he is outside of my womb, wandering around alone in the dark scary world without me there to shield him?
2 comments:
Oh, man. Yes. For me that was at its most intense the first couple weeks after the birth of my first. I think I was downright dangerous in my protectiveness and paranoia. I'm glad no one pushed me, at that point!
An unchained pitbull? How horrible.
I don't think the fear goes away. I'm probably on the less cautious spectrum and try not to restrain him or be anal because of fear. But its still there and I'm terrified of the day that something goes terribly wrong and I regret my decisions.
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